Welcome! I Have No Idea What I'm Doing!

The title isn't far off - I truly have no idea what I'm doing. This is my first ever blog post in my entire life, and it's a rambling jumping mess. 

Things I do know:

I have, like, a lot of things in my life that depend on me. 

Three dogs, all rescued, depend on me for head scratches and kibble.

Two cats, somewhat rescued (because do you rescue the cat, or does the cat allow you to keep it contained in your home?) that depend on me to leave them alone so long as their food bowl is full and the dryer door is open.

Two little girls, ages 4 and nearly 2, who depend on me for...pretty much everything.

My husband, Michael, who depends on my to keep the house going and life moving while he works off 28 days at a time.

That list used to be longer. There used to be bosses and students and the community and a plethora of other "dependables" on my list, but now there's just one more:

Me. 

For a long time - over a decade, really - I allowed myself to sink into the comfort of being depended on by others, and in the process, lost a fair amount of my identity and little things that make a person individual. 

This isn't a pity party, I promise! I love being a mom. I love being a wife. I love having my home filled with furry little creatures who hog my bed and my freshly washed couch blankets. I love that those things help round out my identity. 

But I also love me. 

Self-love is hard. Looking at yourself in the mirror and finding one thing - just one - that you truly love about yourself after years of not putting yourself first is hard. 

You put yourself last (or, at least I did) because I didn't find myself as important as the other things on my list. My kids needed my emotional bandwidth a lot more than I needed it, and they got it...every single ounce. 

I'm not sure when the realization hit me - maybe a year ago, maybe more - but I woke up one day and realized that I needed to love myself. Truly, unashamedly, and confidently love who I was as a person. Not what I looked like, or how I dressed, or how my house was decorated - but me.

I needed to look in the mirror and take stock of my own characteristics...do I love them? If not, do I need to learn to love them, or do I need to change them to become something that I love?

And in that time, I've done the work to become someone I love and someone I'm proud of. 

I'm honest. I'm a hard worker with a hell of a work ethic. I'm funny. I'm crafty. I'm a little off kilter sometimes, and my ADHD kicks into overdrive more than I'd like. I'm anxious, but it helps me second guess my choices so that I can confidently say I'm making the right one. I forget things, but I've surrounded myself with friends who remind me. 

It's hard to write those things out, and it was even harder to admit them at first. I think society, especially where women are concerned, frowns on us labeling ourselves as anything positive - because there's always room to grow, right? You can't be funny because there are other people funnier than you. You can't be crafty because there are other women out there craftier than you. Work ethic? Psh, there's a woman out there who built her own house with her bare hands, and all you did was wake up, work your ass off, and go to bed? Child's play.

But it's important that you fight that. The world is competitive enough, and we don't need to be a pawn in that game. You CAN be funny, even if there are funnier people out there. You CAN be honest, even if you tell your kids that Mickey Mouse is taking a nap and they can't watch his show right now. You CAN have an amazing work ethic if you work hard at the things you do - even if that is raising your kids and cleaning your house.

So, as my first blog post, I'd love to invite you to think about things you know about yourself. Sure, I have no idea what I'm doing running a business - I filed taxes for the first time last year and I'm fairly certain the IRS is going to knock on my front door asking for that receipt from Home Depot back in April to prove that I bought those S hooks for my office. 

But I do know those things about myself that I listed above. I know that it's not a crime to love yourself. I know that you're not conceited or self centered to admit the good things about yourself or the qualities that you bring to the table.

So today's challenge - come up with something about yourself that you love without it being related to someone else. 

I bet you're an incredible mother. I bet you're an amazing wife. I bet you're the best damn daughter, sister, cousin, aunt, and friend anybody ever had. 

But I also bet that you're kind. I bet that you're smart. I bet that you're honest and that you stop and help turtles cross the road because you don't want them to get hit.

What do you love about yourself today?